That Wondrous Thing

12/29/2007

Purpose takes on a whole new meaning when you are out in the middle of nowhere, barely grasping local language and customs with only the vague recollection of the training you’ve received 2 months prior. I find myself yearning for the structure that was so comforting during training. Some volunteers are lucky enough to have an organization in which to go work. The rest of us have to create work, which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that it allows for more creative freedom and a curse because there are tons more pressure and responsibility upon one’s shoulders. It would give me the warm fuzzies in the morning to know that I have to go to the office as the job pre-Peace Corps dictated, but alas, instead I lie in bed and whimper at the vast emptiness before me – emptiness that I must fill. It’s that crisis of complete freedom and total free will that is the burden of the modern man or woman – provided that man or woman is not a religious fanatic. What’s worse is that before I can even begin to teach or help others, I must educate myself on the mountain of books, binders, handouts, notebooks and literature lying about my inherited home. I don’t know much more than the locals surrounding me and I’m supposed to teach them something or at least conduct a knowledge transfer in some entertaining fashion. Bu in the same instant, I rack my brain on what I would do if I were to go home right now and all I feel is failure. Not to mention, I have no idea what I would do occupationally or educationally. Granted, I would be ecstatic to see certain persons and take showers with running water and not worry about which bug or insect or parasite is going to try to attack me next. However, I am appalled at my instinct to flee back to a life full of self-satisfaction and consumption. Right now the US is still “home” for me and I miss it dearly, but I have read on more than one occasion that “home” is not just a place but a feeling, a routine, friends, etc… And like my predecessor wrote on the wall – we can change, adapt. Keep reminding yourself why you are here and work hard. Because when I “work” here all my anxieties disappear; that purpose gives me productivity and productivity is sorely underrated. So with all my strength, I pull myself out of bed and create my To Do list.